DEAR SISTAR with Toni

I am a 38 year old mother of 4 and I am recently single. I don’t know when I will ever be ready to date, let alone be intimate with somebody else. I haven’t been single since my early 20s and the game has definitely changed. My question is… I need to be able to get to know and love someone before I can be physical so how should I approach this? Should I be upfront and tell them what I am about? ~ D.

Dear Sistar,

Yes! Absolutely be upfront and tell them what you’re about! Let them know from the first date (or even the profile if you choose to try online dating) what you’re seeking in a partnership, and what promises you’ve made to yourself. This is 38 year old you, setting boundaries and that’s an amazing thing!

Coming from someone in a similar boat, the idea of dating is overwhelming, but remember – you’re not on anyone’s timeline but your own. And your timeline is perfect! You don’t need to rush into a new relationship because even without knowing why your previous relationship ended, I’m certain that allowing yourself time and space to heal is necessary. By heal, I mean –

Reflect. What lessons did you walk away with and how will you integrate these lessons to help you become the best version of yourself… for yourself and for your family?

Get reacquainted with yourself. You’ve been sharing your life with another adult human for over a decade! With that comes a lot of compromising, probably some unexpressed desires, maybe some aspects of your identity lost. It’s okay, it happens to us all which is why it’s imperative to take some time to get to know yourself again. Who are you… now? What do you like to do for fun? What does your ideal future look like?

Strengthen any bonds that might need your attention… like with your kids. Of course, be there for them as they transition from living in a two adult household to one, but also take time to get to know them again too. Find ways to have fun with them. (You might find you need this more than they do!)

And of course whatever else “healing” looks like to you… prioritize it!

As you heal and your personal frequency rises, you will naturally attract partners who match who and what you’re about, now! Meaning… they won’t want to rush things either because they’ll understand the importance between connection, love, & intimacy. They will respect and admire your boundaries. And if they don’t, it’s their loss Sis, not yours, because there is nothing sexier than a grown-ass woman who knows what she wants and refuses to settle for anything less.

Patience and trust fuel the fires of intimacy. ~ P.J. Bayliss

Allowing time to get to know and love someone before you can be physical with them will not be a deal breaker for the right person. Even though you may not know now, when you’ll be ready to open yourself up intimately again – you will. Trust your intuition. Once it feels good to be with them and you can start to imagine what intimacy would feel like with them… and your body starts doing all the things you remember happens when she’s happy – believe me, you’ll know!

Then… Just. Go. Slow.

Stay in the moment and be intentional so the foundation of your relationship is built on honesty and trust. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your new partner what you’re feeling, what you want, and especially what you might not be ready for. Let the intimacy unfold gently and at a pace that feels comfortable. Let go of any expectations based on your past… allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised.

You DESERVE to have a loving partner with whom you trust and can be whole-heartedly, uninhibited, wildly-passionate, and intimate with. Trust that! The game has changed since you were single in your 20s and luckily, you have too.