How do I heal from a broken heart? On some level, I know he wasn’t right for me, but I’m still extremely sad. I’m slightly depressed. I know it’s for the best but it still hurts. How can I get through this quicker? ~Yvette
Dear Sistar,
I love that you’ve acknowledged that there was a part of you that already knew this relationship wasn’t it. I think many of us often ignore those nudges and continue on, hoping that it’s all in our head. Psst… it’s not all in our head, ever! That nudge is our intuition and it’s super important to honor those feelings and trust them. However, knowing that a relationship will likely end does not make it any less painful and I am so sorry that you’re hurting! Likewise, even when we know someone isn’t right for us, it can still be painful to move on. It’s okay to be sad about it. Your feelings are always validated and I encourage you to express them however you feel you need to – as long you are not hurting yourself or others.
When our reality no longer matches our expectations, we can easily spiral into depression. We relentlessly revisit the past to try to figure out what we could have done differently and dwell on the what-ifs and maybes… We search the past for answers and any sliver of hope that we can use to control the present or even change it. Often, we unconsciously start creating stories that we are not good enough or worthy of having what we want, or that something is wrong with us. (This, of course, is not true.)
There is such beauty in remembering our old relationships because there are always lessons to learn that will help us become better versions of ourselves, but these gems will only help us if we can remain objective and avoid getting consumed by the emotions. I believe that every relationship we have – whether with friends, family, lovers, or strangers – are opportunities for us to see ourselves from a different perspective and gather more pieces of who we truly are and how to live healthier lives. (If you’re interested in exploring this further, I would check out the book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.)
So now I’m going to say the things that I know everyone is saying to you that probably don’t help in this moment, but are really important for you to know and remember:
You will meet someone who is a better match for who you are NOW. Sometimes we outgrow people… and that’s okay! Just like a childhood friend who goes off to a different high school so you drift apart. We can fall out of alignment with people we love. I know, it doesn’t make it any less sad, but maybe as you move through your healing process, lean into that beautiful energy of alignment. What does being aligned with someone you love look like to you? How good does it feel?
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some relationships are karmic agreements to wake us up to who we truly are, to make us aware of what we really want, or even to help us through a specific season of our life. Again, I know that doesn’t make it easier now, but remembering this will help you later.
You will get through this, too. Even without knowing you, I’m certain that you’ve overcome a few struggles. I bet there was a time when it was painful, or seemed impossible to move through it, and come out on the other side as a survivor. But I bet you did. I would suggest putting pen to paper and journaling about other moments you’ve conquered in your life so you can remember just how capable you are.
This too shall pass.
Don’t rush it, Sistar! There is no prize given to the one who can heal the quickest. You can’t find ways around it, over it, under it – you can only go through it and shortcuts will end up setting you back several spaces. The thick of it could last a few days, a few weeks, or longer… and you might feel better one day, then feel like a ton of bricks were dropped on you the next.
Enlist the help of a non-judgmental friend, or a therapist or life coach who can hold a safe space for you, especially if you find your depression is getting heavier. The ending of a relationship can feel like you are surviving the death of a friend – you will grieve the loss and go through all the stages that come with it and it’s so important that you do! Don’t hold back on what you need to heal because the process is ongoing and it’s personal. What’s most important is that you keep moving forward. You’ve got this, Sis!
Advice lovingly & intuitively given by Toni Moné
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