HOW I RESET MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SEX
What happens when you lose your groove?
My relationship with sex is complicated. Although I was born with an ample sex drive and cultivated healthy sexual expression; my past relationships with men has tainted me to such an extent I am entirely shut down. Combine this with the collective attack on women’s rights through Roe V Wade, I am feeling anything but sexy. I know this isn’t balanced. I want to understand how I could recover for my own sake.
I am meditating, deep into a healing session with my womb, guttural sobbing with my face in a pool of slobber and tears. I see my womb clearly, a beautiful lotus flower. Made from wisps of light in various shades of orange, white and gold. She spins and dances. She is otherworldly beautiful.
MY WOMB SAYS
I am the product of thousands of years of wombs being raped, abused, and colonized, through violence, shame and submission. I was made to carry the babes of men I’d rather slay than give children to. No choice, keep going, keep doing, keep fucking, keep birthing, keep pushing. Head down, eyes focused on forward. Survive.
And yet she remains exquisitely beautiful. From the history of vile and filthy mud, she thrives. She alchemizes. Waiting for this moment that I would recognize her in her true magickal form, in all her glory. She says:
Do you see me now? Do I look traumatized to you? Do I look sick and fucked up to you? No!
No matter what they did to me, I thrive. I am beauty. I am life. I transmute everything I touch into this. No one can deny this magick that I am. This is what they can never possess, or take away from us. I am not broken. I am strong. I am the result of thousands of years of our ancestors surviving. Ten thousand years and beyond of many kinds of magickal bloodlines survived within me.
I am ok. But you’re not.
OUR MOTHER WOUNDS
What you grieve for is not only the trauma that I have survived, but the violence others have put upon me because they did not see me for who I really am. Because they feared or resented me. Because I was written out of history and because of this, everyone on this planet is born with a mother wound. They cannot kill me, I am the immortal mother. I am sex. I am magick. No harm can ever come to me that I will not make into my own creation.
Daughter – detach yourself from those old wounds and stories, they are not yours to carry. They never were. We already did the work when we were forced to live through them. Release this pain from your mind and your cells so you can enjoy OUR alchemy.
I see you struggling to make sense of men folk. 1,000 times you gave them a chance to love you and instead they came back to give you 2,000 transgressions.
We must untangle your sexuality from men. You don’t need them, you never did. They got you twisted with stories other people told you about who you are. You cannot fully heal until you stop looking at yourself through the dirty, broken lenses of others. You’ve seen the truth now. Know who you are, understand how powerful WE are!
Women do not benefit from marriage from a health standpoint, they decline. Men physically benefit from marriage. All your women ancestors see the life you live now; a healthy, thriving life free of men. This kind of life was not available to them. Your life is something they could only dream of. You are the most abundant of them all! They are so proud of you for standing on your own.
Your sexuality, raw power, TAKE IT BACK! It was never theirs anyway. They just tried to convince you otherwise so they could siphon it from you. It has always been yours.
Come back to me. Pay tribute to me, the flower that dances inside of your womb. When you pleasure yourself, connect with me and dance with me, nurture me so I can continue to do what I do for you. Come here and meet me in this womb space, our creatrix and watch me dance for you while you feed me. See what happens when you intentionally nurture me with love. Nothing asked, nothing expected. I will open you back up and heal you from the inside out, my love.
This is the kind of worship that you really wanted from men but you never got it. That’s why it always felt off to you. They showed up to the temple, not to worship but to steal. Now you see, you must give this to yourself because you can always trust yourself. It only matters that the offering is given with the correct intention, with love, and when it is desired. Now that you understand what you have, you know why it is so important to guard yourself.
To cut yourself off from your sexuality is, to cut yourself off from my ability to create with you. Keep your womb work separate from men so that you do not need to suffer from them anymore. Be the sunlight and the water for me to thrive from, my love, for we have taken in enough mud.
I filled a bowl with salt water and scraped off all the trauma from my body from head to toe, that I and my ancestors had ever endured at the hands of men, and flung it in a bowl. I spent about 10 minutes intending to remove it all from myself. It was emotional and cleansing. Then I dumped that water into the earth and released it.
Now when I am feeling urges, instead ignoring them off, I respond. I don’t conjure a fantasy. Instead focus solely, inwardly on my womb, seeing her clearly in my mind’s eye that beautiful flower swirling, dancing, glowing to the bliss she is receiving. Lost in space and time in the void of creation, it’s just about US.
Nicole is a psychic, medium, and healer whose mission is to empower others by helping them strip away illusions, programs, and limiting beliefs. Find me on TikTok as design.spark