All I know is change.
Disruption to set a new motion.
And not even just that subtle stuff you can ease into or gently integrate into your mind and lifestyle.
Nah. I be on that “if the only thing holding you back is fear, then jump” type shit. Leaping my way into new lives and paradigms like the turning of seasons. Sometimes it’s a safety net and sometimes not.
I follow my gut.
I am responsive to what I learn as I grow.
I create my life accordingly.
A lot for this reason, me and change are coo. I know it’s the only way to something else, and I trust in change to yield me the room to bring in that which I find more desirable.
But sometimes, I definitely don’t ask for that shit. I’m just chillin, mindin my business, then the floor flops out from under me.
Obviously I’m not alone here, this just is life. But underneath it all, I still be grateful and knowing I’m about to be served up something sweeter. Even when it’s initially sour af.
Case in point: Last September I’d had enough with my severely mentally ill boyfriend of seven years. It came to a point where I realized that how he affected my energy was the primary barrier to my success because of how it diverted my vibration from creative and expansive to riddled with anxiety in survival mode from being in such an energetically unpredictable and volatile environment. I didn’t even realize until after he was gone that I was pretty much in a low grade perpetual panic attack in every moment of my waking day.
The man was like a child who was unable to regulate his emotions, and everyone around him suffered deeply for it. I vacillated for years between the idea of sticking around in sickness and in health, even assuming it must be my lot to take on his mental illness with him, vs recognizing that I deserve happiness and a good life, even if my partner is severely ill. (There are no easily ready answers for this question, I affirm to this day.)
All the while enduring this, I was building and nesting for my future – pretty obviously inevitable – need to escape. Let’s just say the exit plan been on lock. But when September hit last year and he’d become utterly intolerable, even though I’d been building for years by then, I was not yet financially ready to stand on my own feet with my counseling practice alone.
But I leapt anyway.
I put him out.
And that following week, I earned as much as I normally earned in a month’s time.
To me, this was a blessing from the gods, my Guides, a sign I would be supported through these terrifying disruptions in my life if I truly let go in trust.
At the time of taking on my entire household expenses alone, in this insane housing market, I didn’t even make enough to pay all the rent, let alone anything else. And yet, not only have I made this happen for months now, I have finally achieved the financial goals I spent years working towards while under the distress of what I now realize was covert narcissistic abuse.
And I KNOW I would not have been able to meet these financial goals while still suffering him, waiting to earn enough to put him out. I stand on solid ground now. With my own two feet. Bills paid and then some. Doubled that income and more. Locked in.
BECAUSE I trusted the change. The disruption. Even in the deep dark of utter uncertainty and outlook-not-so-good signs on the logical surface of the situation.
I don’t mean it poetically when I say this is magic.
This really is how we expand, level up, invite in the new, receive our blessings: we trust in the higher order of things and we let go. I have seen in my years now, the gods do be rewarding such things.
I could never express in words how much healthier, happier, more creative and confident (and paid) I am now that I’m on the other side of that initial instability that is the necessary shift between every now and something else. That change. That disruption.
That is the bridge.
Second case in point (because we live in the realm of miracles, baby!): I found in my new life of larger responsibilities and figuring out everything all at once STAT – because somehow I’ve managed to go these entire 41 years never having lived alone before – I realized with so much to learn and do all the sudden, I had to prioritize my projects and be vigilantly selective with where I placed my energy.
When I put dude out, it was just before the one-year anniversary of 13MOONS Magazine. My team and I were geeked and had glorious plans of celebration…only to meet the utter devastation that is breaking up with a narcissist. Instead of going wild about our year of awesomeness, several of our platforms – including the magazine itself – were shut down. This, apparently his revenge or delight, who knows.
I had to wake up and learn everything fast!!! I honestly didn’t even know the first thing about web hosting and how all that worked, even though I’d tried to learn everything I could before all this went down (I literally apprenticed his IT skills knowing I would need them myself one day). There was just so much! But there was no time to spare, so I learned!
For weeks, then months, it was the same: discovering something he’d taken or shut down and scrambling to rebuild, recreate, rewrite, restructure, etc etc. All the while needing to double my income immediately in order to stay where I lived and continue to provide a home for my son – with my platforms where I reached my audience shut down.
After a time of deep and painful processing, I decided I would have to let the magazine go. I didn’t have the energy to nurture it as I had to focus on those things which would help me keep my home. This, too, was devastating. I’m not even sure if anyone knows this, or the heavy heart it brought me to consider.
Then came Ani.
She came extra, too.
Excited. Inspired. Hopeful. And masterfully brilliant.
Expressed as a flow-chart; that’s my language, yo. (SHOW it, don’t tell it!)
Ani saw the potential in what we’d been working so hard to build all year long, and she came confident in her ability to take us to the next level.
I explained to Ani I was all but empty with what I could put in anymore, and she gracefully asked for a turn with the baton.
Ya’ll, to contextualize, this is something like handing over your baby to an adoptive parent. Knowing every part of you is that baby and that it no longer will be, once in another’s hands. But also knowing you don’t have quite what it takes to keep the baby well and happy and growing yourself.
Ani seemed everything the baby needed to thrive, and yet it is still gut-wrenching to hand over your baby, even knowing it’s the best thing…
But there’s that trust thing I mentioned. I stay on that fr. I know if all this is lining up this way and that, it’s a reason to it, something I may not be able to perceive yet…and I trust in that unknown, the juiciness of that potential.
And so I gratefully accepted Ani’s offer to become the new coordinator of 13MOONS Magazine Dark Moon content stream, and she has since leveled us up in every way, just as I knew she would!
One of the most exciting of these changes is that she’s brilliantly developed a model of operation that allows us to PAY OUR CREATORS based on the subscriptions we each recruit as a team! (Yes, this means you, Reader, get to be part of our level up AND support our creators by subscribing for $3/mo right here!)
As a Laughing Goddess Media shenanigan, we are thrilled to be able to uphold our goal to help creators and medicine people STAY PAID for their sacred contributions to our world. And we are pleased that our Mission and Vision calls to us some of the most brilliant and talented of healers, teachers, and wisdom keepers. For us, this is a true success….already!
And we’re just getting started.
I invite you to cozy in, grab a snack, some water, maybe some tissues!, and check out the NEW DARK MOON stream here on 13MOONS Magazine, brilliantly coordinated by Ani Khēmeia, owner and creator of Alchemy of Hearts, photography for the soul. I’m beyond excited for Ani AND the genius contributors in this first issue of 2023, Ruler of the Universe: On Change & Disruption, including your favorite 13MOONS creators, Natalie Huber, Toni Mone, Angela Anderson, Sarah the Goddess, Solveig Swenson, Sarah Lou, and Krynne Khrønic AND our newest creators Rubi D, Kali Thompson, Shannon Underwood, and Cass, as well as work from us editors, myself and Ani!
Also catch these creators in future issues of 13MOONS Magazine: Aaron Janovsky and Hannah Stark.
All that to say – yea, I’m good with change. Even when it’s uncomfortable af, feels like the world is coming down, feels like I have no idea where tf my feet are, feels like I have NO IDEA what’s next…..I’m coo with that. Cuz I’ve learned what’s on the other side when we stay focused and anchored on what we want, and more important than anything, as we stay grounded in trust!
My last bit on this topic is an invitation to check out this video.
Watch how the salt goes all crazy between each increase in frequency before lining up in more sophisticated beauty and symmetry. That chaos is the change necessary to go from one form to another, cooler one.
I invite you to welcome in change and disruption with me – no matter how seemingly tragic or legitimately painful – because it is the trust in the change which harnesses the magic of possibility!
About Astara Solae
I created 13MOONS Magazine to resurrect the sacred feminine in Stories and Art. As a Seeress who’d worked directly with Oshun, Yemaya, Oya, and other earlier Goddesses, I noticed a stark difference in these energies and those of later iterations, such as Venus and Aphrodite. It is like parts of these beings were stripped away. Whether to fit the fashion of culture or men, I’ll leave for you to decide, but this just didn’t sit right with my spirit. And so I dreamed of a platform which would amplify the real voice of the feminine – Stories and Art created by actual women from our perspective, without apology. And here we are.
I am called Astara, a name I received during meditation, meaning Little Sirius. I am here to draw down the energy of Ast, also known as Auset, Isis, and the latest: Mother Mary, truly just a hint of the Original anymore. I am here to Remember and to help Remind us of who we are as women, who we are beneath patriarchal whitewashing and power politics as religion. I am here to Remind us of the wisdom we hold within each of our cells which we have mistakenly (and blasphemously) called our meat suit. I am a Sensual Fluency Educator and Tranceworker, offering tools I’ve channeled from my own body to help you connect with yours. Reach out anytime or learn more here.